So i know i havnt written in here in ages but i guess I am someone that writes to let go of something. and life has been GREAT lately so i havnt felt the need to write, oh and by the way please ignore the horrible grammar etc. i bought a knew computer here in france and its french keybored.
Anyway, so i had a dream about being a mother but not just any mother; i was a horrible mother. i gave terrible advice and yelled at my kids i never ever got to see the faces of my kids, but it was jus really strange. i woke up so upset, and of course knowing that i am not far from the monthly cycle i started crying haha. my boyfriend woke up and we got to talking, i started blurting out a bazillion things at once, about my childhood and my own mother and my fears of being a mother. he simply told me, write it out. you will feel better.
and i am already starting too, i love that boy.
I guess the question about being a good mother or not sparks up from inner fear and lack of personal confidence, i know i am not a very confident person when it comes to the society and leading an every day life, although a have a lot of confidence in myself when it comes to ideas and helping others with their own personal issues, not my own.
Today, well technically yesterday i spoke with my boyfriends mother whom i LOVE and my mother had given her a watch, problem is the fixture of the watch broke and since my mother had bought it in malaysia it was difficult for her to get it fixed in France, so she had asked me to ask my mother for help or if she knew someone. This is where i was shocked because just before my mother in law gave me a whole speech about how much she loved the watch, and how touched she was that my mother had given it to her and how she absolutely had to find someone to fix it. My mother on the other hand basically couldnt care less, on the phone she told me, well thats that, what do you want me to do about it? its not my problem anymore!
WHAT??? i was so shocked i hung up on her; she never called back. i couldnt believe that she could be SO rude after my mother in law basically expressed how touched she was that my mother had even given her the watch and how she wanted to treasure it.
Realizing certain things about my mother later on in the day, thinking about her being so selfish, unconcerned and completely careless about her words really broke my heart. i kept wondering over and over about how i am, and how much of an affect my mothers character has had on me, and why only NOW did i realize that she is often like that. i remember when i was younger that my mother used to constantly tell me; youre selfish and the world doesnt revolve around you! well she also used to tell me that if someone says something about your character its just a mirror image of themselves. well i guess my mother was right.
All of this definately scares me about my capability of being a mother and i dont think my own mother realizes the affects that she has on me, and not being able to express it to her is even worse. argh so confusing.
i realize everyday a little bit more about how my parents educated me about the world, and how strong their opinions are and how much they themselves almost brainwashed me into certain ideas. for the past 4 years i have been living alone but before living alone i was always around these ideas and now i am starting to make my own opinion on the world, except before living alone i thought i was already doing that, i thought i had already created my own opinion about the world, wow did i get slapped in the face.
its difficult to maintain a good relationship with my mother these days when we are apart as she still tries to mother me from afar, and yes i know that a mother never stops being a mother, but there has to be a moment where she llets me have my own opinions without judging or laughing. i feel like shes not giving me the time to learn and instead often trying to change my ways of thinking.
so in the end at the moment all i can think about is starting my own family in a couple of years and my insecurities are eating me up whole. but i will find a solution, quickly or not, i know i will find my own path sooner or later and i have to be patient, with myself and my mother. i have to learn to love her the way she is, accept her ideas and not make the same mistake as she does with me, maybe by showing her that i accept her ideas without joining her in her ideas maybe she will discretely realize the way she is acting.
i will keep myself updated thats for sure. and for the record, if you read this ness, i love you and i would love to talk to you SOONER than later.
Peace and love always.
