These are the good times in your life so put on a smile and it'll be alright.

I'm back from Paris and omgosh i had so much fun, thank god my friends were there, it was such good timing and im SO happy i got to see them again. it gave me a fresh new perspective on life and love and just pushing through.

I'll never be able to get everything i want but i certainly already have everything i need. which is amazing, not even half of the population has what i have so i should already be thankful for that. i need to stop trying to be one step ahead and instead look around after each one, make sure i dont want to change directions or stop for a while to come up with a better game plan.

im starting to smile and laugh and be happy again, and its a great feeling. im starting to be myself and be fun again. i missed this part of me. this excited and positive person. although i cant deny that i still feel for my ex, a lot. i love him, i will for a long time, but i think im learning to accept it more and more each day that sometimes life puts you into positions where you need to choose between two things you love, two comfort zone, or countries or religions or families. it's tough, and scary because the outcome is completely unpredictable. i mean c'mon who ACTUALLY wants to throw themselves into a situation like that?

im shit scared, i wont lie, i dont think its a secret really. ive always been trying to live one step ahead of everything so that there aren't any suprises, but unfortunately what i didnt want to realize was that life isn't something i can control. my actions play a huge part but my surrounding play the biggest part. i don't control the people around me, the influences or languages, nor can i control religion or war. the planet is my planet, just like its yours. it'd be crazy not to listen to it. i decided i need to be a lot more truthful to myself, control myself better, and not trust so easily, not get carried away so easily into this perfect dream world, i need to stay realistic and responsible. i need to learn to trust my instincts and my intuition and know that if something doesnt feel right, its probably not.

ok, enough of that, this is getting long and my eyes are shutting on themselves.

i'm currently listening to B.O.B No mans land. and im literally obsessed, this guy knows what he's going and especially what he's saying! i love it.

remember, life is only as fun as you make it. something i try to remind myself everyday. it'll happen soon.

good night and until the next post!

my newest phase in life..

City of Romance?

I went to paris a few weeks ago to see nayantara and suveer. aahhh it was amazing, i felt like i was myself again, which was something that i hadn't felt in a long time, and to be honest im starting to feel it again slowly... its a good feeling :)

anyway, i was just thinking, "i have a blog now, i can put pictures up!" haha so here i am putting pictures up from my very entertaining and adventurous, sometimes scary trip to paris!

i must say though, the city itself is pretty bland, but i was fortunate enough to have amazing company with amazingly high spirits. it was just all around happiness.

enjoy :)

I love you

Today im thankful. im thankful for my mum. In moments of complete loss of motivation and sadness she's been there, and i realize how lucky i am, although i know i probably don't show it enough.

I think there's a special connection between a mother and daughter. there's a bond that no one can come between. i love that im feeling closer and closer to my mum, i think we had a few years of distance, and finally we can come back together. ive gone through some things that have made me realize a lot about myself and my attitude and i think its the same with her.

i cant imagine going through my life without her. she's a true rock, she's amazing and the strongest person i know. she inspires me to go after what i want and lifts me back up when ive dug myself into a dark hole.

i want to be able to give her everything she needs if one day she will need me, i want to be able to support her just like she has, i want to succeed just so i can give back to her. she's been my best friend, my biggest fan in whatever i tried, she puts me back in my place when i need it, she gives amazing hugs and she knows how to make me smile.

i love my maman. i know we all do. without our mothers, we wouldnt be here, there's nothing to argue about when it comes to that.


Thank you, for everything. Je t'aime.

secrets

"No one can promise they’ll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KK0wz89lZ6I

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
Til' all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My god, amazing how we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight, too cold
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'mma tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, All my secrets away

I hate loving you.

I hate loving you.

i hate finding your post its everywhere.

i hate finding your pictures everywhere.

i hate that i have your perfume bottle.

i hate that you gave me pluto, i cant cuddle him anymore.

i hate that loving you was the best feeling in the world.

i hate that i have to let you go.

i hate that its a necessity.

i hate it. i just hate it.

i dont want to feel like this anymore. i dont want to feel empty, or lost. i dont want you to give me my heart back, but i know you have to, you have to for me and i hate that.

i hate that we couldn't have had a better story, i hate that it was so perfect. i hate that you're so perfect. i hate that im saying hate so much.

i need to get this all off of my chest. i need to scream it out and write it down, i need to see it physically to believe it. i need to get all of my secrets out, secrets about myself. im being vulnerable and weak, but thats ok. i really dont mind because my ego is past this. my soul owns this story and it will forever.

i cant wait to stop chasing the perfect life and living it instead. i cant wait to be strong for myself and to push through anything. i cant wait to feel like ive succeeded more than i thought i was ever capable of. i cant wait to find the missing piece in feeling complete with myself. i cant wait to be independant and inspiring. i cant wait to prove to myself that im capable of anything and everything.

i cant wait to see how well i do without you.

Un mal pour un bien

It's funny, life that is.

I spent two years knowing exactly what i wanted, but also knowing that what i wanted was not what i needed. its crazy how we're capable of tricking ourselves into believing certain things just because we WANT them and knowingly know that its the exact opposite of what you NEED.

i've learnt the most that i have ever learnt about myself in the last 2 years greatly thanks to an amazing person who was by my side throughout all of the hard and amazing times, with you, i would not be who i am today, i owe you everything and more. really, he saved my life!

Dreaming your life away is so easy, its like this drug that infatuates everything that you have in reality. i was dreaming my life away and i forgot to live my life instead...i realised that you can only dream so much before you actually have to get up and do it! something we're taught young but for some reason, i forgot so easily.

you know, despite all of the terrible things we can dwell on, there's still an amazing ability that the human body naturally has, and that is to pick itself up and try again! its so easy to say, trust me, i know, all ive done since i was 15 is avoid life and reality. i found all different kinds of ways to avoid the confrontation of the responsibilities that would soon be in my hands, i did everything just to avoid the inevitable really, and that's what i mean about being able to lie to ourselves. I did it for so long that it became a habit, and soon enough i depended on having that as a normal part of my life. i convinced myself so well that i completely forgot that i had lied to myself in the beginning! the human mind is genius and its just proof that if we really want something badly, either positive or negative we achieve it.

I was lucky to meet my guardian angel in person, and he guided me so well. He proved to me that there are beautiful things out there and it really only depends on me if i want to have them in my life or not. he helped me make decisions in my life that without him i wouldn't have been able to make, he held my hand for so long, inspiring and motivating me everyday, and now i've realised that i need to let go and start doing it on my own, and he's able to let go too, and trust in me. if that's not unconditional love, than i don't know what is.

Like i said, un mal pour un bien, which is really what life is all about. its about having to make decisions not only based on your emotional status but also thinking about the logical and the crucial. There are a lot of things i wish didn't happen, but then again without though's things i wouldn't be here right now, realising all of these unbelievable things, well unbelievable to me anyway.

i really do adore life, its so unpredictable. its so vast and never-ending when it comes to options. there are so many millions of paths to take, its really all about defeating the fear we all naturally have inside of us, and jumping into the unknown, without expectations and with an open mind. which i have definately not learnt yet, but im working on it. i think that for me when it comes down to it, ive been against conforming to the norm for so long that i'm scared i'm just going to end up like any other persons life. I want my life to be filled with amazing adventures and personal successes, stories to tell that amaze and fears that i defeated on the way, i want to be able to lie in my death bed and not have any regrets. i want to know that i did everything i possibly could do without fail, i got so hopeful that i became afraid of letting myself down, so i stopped trying. i wished and dreamt so much about these success that i forgot to get up and do them all together.

When i was 13 i started to write my first diary. i put a picture in of my grandparents together smiling, happily married, the caption "my grandparents, happily married and will be till the day they die!". now their living in different places and see each other every week or so. im sad because i've realized that my view on love and life was completely unrealistic. no matter how much effort you put in, life is life and it moves on wether you like it or not, accepting that is the hardest part i think. i can only go after so much at once, baby steps, someone once told me, its all about baby steps, one foot at a time and patting yourself on the back as you go.

its scary to be completely on your own emotionally. but thats for another chapter.

im going to bed...

bonne nuit :)