I spent two years knowing exactly what i wanted, but also knowing that what i wanted was not what i needed. its crazy how we're capable of tricking ourselves into believing certain things just because we WANT them and knowingly know that its the exact opposite of what you NEED.
i've learnt the most that i have ever learnt about myself in the last 2 years greatly thanks to an amazing person who was by my side throughout all of the hard and amazing times, with you, i would not be who i am today, i owe you everything and more. really, he saved my life!
Dreaming your life away is so easy, its like this drug that infatuates everything that you have in reality. i was dreaming my life away and i forgot to live my life instead...i realised that you can only dream so much before you actually have to get up and do it! something we're taught young but for some reason, i forgot so easily.
you know, despite all of the terrible things we can dwell on, there's still an amazing ability that the human body naturally has, and that is to pick itself up and try again! its so easy to say, trust me, i know, all ive done since i was 15 is avoid life and reality. i found all different kinds of ways to avoid the confrontation of the responsibilities that would soon be in my hands, i did everything just to avoid the inevitable really, and that's what i mean about being able to lie to ourselves. I did it for so long that it became a habit, and soon enough i depended on having that as a normal part of my life. i convinced myself so well that i completely forgot that i had lied to myself in the beginning! the human mind is genius and its just proof that if we really want something badly, either positive or negative we achieve it.
I was lucky to meet my guardian angel in person, and he guided me so well. He proved to me that there are beautiful things out there and it really only depends on me if i want to have them in my life or not. he helped me make decisions in my life that without him i wouldn't have been able to make, he held my hand for so long, inspiring and motivating me everyday, and now i've realised that i need to let go and start doing it on my own, and he's able to let go too, and trust in me. if that's not unconditional love, than i don't know what is.
Like i said, un mal pour un bien, which is really what life is all about. its about having to make decisions not only based on your emotional status but also thinking about the logical and the crucial. There are a lot of things i wish didn't happen, but then again without though's things i wouldn't be here right now, realising all of these unbelievable things, well unbelievable to me anyway.
i really do adore life, its so unpredictable. its so vast and never-ending when it comes to options. there are so many millions of paths to take, its really all about defeating the fear we all naturally have inside of us, and jumping into the unknown, without expectations and with an open mind. which i have definately not learnt yet, but im working on it. i think that for me when it comes down to it, ive been against conforming to the norm for so long that i'm scared i'm just going to end up like any other persons life. I want my life to be filled with amazing adventures and personal successes, stories to tell that amaze and fears that i defeated on the way, i want to be able to lie in my death bed and not have any regrets. i want to know that i did everything i possibly could do without fail, i got so hopeful that i became afraid of letting myself down, so i stopped trying. i wished and dreamt so much about these success that i forgot to get up and do them all together.
When i was 13 i started to write my first diary. i put a picture in of my grandparents together smiling, happily married, the caption "my grandparents, happily married and will be till the day they die!". now their living in different places and see each other every week or so. im sad because i've realized that my view on love and life was completely unrealistic. no matter how much effort you put in, life is life and it moves on wether you like it or not, accepting that is the hardest part i think. i can only go after so much at once, baby steps, someone once told me, its all about baby steps, one foot at a time and patting yourself on the back as you go.
its scary to be completely on your own emotionally. but thats for another chapter.
im going to bed...
bonne nuit :)
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